(Caution: you are about to enter my psyche and it’s wild in there.  If you care to enter, read on.)   On one hand I feel balanced.  Quiet time and a pretty groovy walk with God these days, quality time with my family--unplugged entirely on SONdays, and I’ve even shaved some classes from my schedule to make my life run a little less super mom mode.  I don’t want to be a super hero kind of Mom anymore.   I just want to be a really good Mom inside these walls.  When nobody else is looking. I want to save all my super-isms for these guys.                 But, on the other hand, I feel like I have SO many areas that need to be tuned up and I want to fix them all this week.  No seriously, I want all these areas I feel offish and imbalanced to just go ahead and be fixed ...

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all i ever want for mothers day is a homemade card and to do something outdoors as a family.   i make it clear that i don't want a gift. rather, i want memories. so, i wake up on mothers day with my husband telling me that he has a fresh pot of coffee ready and not to go outside until he tells me to.  i was instructed not to look out the window either.  i was sitting at the kitchen table, with my hot coffee, like a little kid who still believes in santa.  i was tapping the floor in a steady range of motion full of jitters--dying to see what my family was up to outside.   i get cleared to go on outside.  but before i go, my husband drapes our nice camera around my neck, telling me, "i know how you like to document and how you enjoy ...

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I made a scary decision at age 20.  I decided to break a generational curse over my life.  That curse stopped right here.  It ended with me.  At first it seemed impossible because constant chaos and dysfunction was my comfort zone.  Was it even worth the work it was going to take to dig myself out of this? I felt this inner strength telling me that hard work wasn't an option for me.  Oh goodness no. It. Was. Necessary. Do not mistaken me with a weight loss success story.  Yes, there is that.  But my story is thicker, mirkier, and much deeper than that. I was forced to deal with my junk because I realized it was hidden under my emotional eating sessions, my addiction to cigarettes, and tremendous feelings of inadequacy.  Just to name a few. Quitting smoking made me realize I suffered from high anxiety.   Once I quit smoking, ...

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i find so much freedom in writing.  with a candle flickering,  praise music on, hot tea steaming, and talking about....life. my life. tonight i plan on over-sharing.   because i want to unveil my honest heart and the heaviness it has been under.  tonight, i come to my blank blog page humble.  soaking with vulnerability. i come to my blog tonight............brave.  brave about what i have been fighting. this week was so overwhelming and i had so many doubts about the path i'm on.  i had moments where i was desperate for more time.  i had moments where i felt so tired (both mentally and physically) that i thought i was going to suffocate.  i couldn't get to my laundry.  i couldn't return every message in my inbox.  i couldn't do so many things due to.....time. also, i felt so imbalanced with some decisions i had recently made.  uncertainty was thick in ...

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this blog. oh this blog. it's been one of the best, most important pieces of my journey.  a place i've deposited my children's childhood, and a place where i've learned how to share my life.  yes, i've had to learn.  because in the very beginning of my blog (about five years ago!) it was very rainbow and glittery.   only. i never wanted anyone to see anything but the joy.  the clean.  the happy.  but then i became a little more...what's the word...let's go with REAL.  simply because i began to heal a little more with every passing year.  i began to love myself and who i was in CHRIST just a little more.  i started to be okay with being imperfect and didn't care as much what others thought about me.  being imperfect and vulnerable was actually helping me connect deeper with others.  unleashing someone else to walk in freedom. ...

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I NEVER dedicate an entire blog post to one recipe.  I usually wait until I've mustered up at least three excellent ones and then share them all in one giant post. but when you NAIL IT.  and by NAIL IT, i mean you made plenty enough to eat on for a few days.  but the family went for seconds and even thirds.  leaving you with zero leftovers.  at one point, the husband was doing the shovel-up-scoopy-thingy while hovering the pan over his bowl to get every last drop.  i'm talking he was scraping the pan.  it was a little embarrassing. he kept raving about it with every bite.   and i was just beaming.  i LOVE making him happy by way of his stomach.  it's one of my secret ways i've made him love me so much.  shhhh!  do NOT tell him.  i need to keep all my tricks safe and sound. i ...

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shame on all us liars.  we tell sweet pregnant women things like this: it's all blissful.  babies breath.  the coo-ing.  the cuddles.  the cute onesies.  the sweet and innocent way they depend on you.  and the way they make you a better person.  the special bond of nursing.  and the chance to see your spouse as a parent is the sweetest ever. the love.  oh the love.  it's immeasurable to anything you can fathom.  their first laugh.  the way they love and need you.  excited for each milestone.  it's truly a life that is worth living.  it gives you purpose and a chance to really pour yourself into something so very worthy.  it's just...so so good.   and none of that is fabricated.  we actually aren't little liars after all.  we just never offer up this: you will be so tired that you grab an empty coffee cup out of the cupboards, sit down ...

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life get's tough. and sometimes, life takes you under, leaving you emptied out.  life is unfair and unjust.  i'm not one to post how life is hard and tough and full of unfair ground, but today, i am bringing light to this. because it's true. life. is. unfair. have you ever been so broken in life that you fell on your knees, and you couldn't even find the words to pray?  i know i have. have you ever felt that GOD must not be real, because if he were, he wouldn't let these things happen to you?  i know i have. but you see, one thing i've always managed to muster up, no matter the situation i've fallen into, is hope. the bible says that hope deferred makes the heart sick.  in other words, if you put off having hope, your heart will become sick.  let me say that again...your heart WILL become sick, if you put ...

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right here is where I want to be tonight.  in front of my computer. pecking the keys.  kids and husband are sleeping. lemon water to my left. praise music as my lullaby.  I  truly find myself in this place.  in the quietness of the ending of my days.  just me.  nobody needs anything.  and i have a blank space to write my little heart out.  i like it.  a lot. i also find myself in the middle of chaotic motherhood moments.  something about the way an evening stacks on you in a miserable fashion, can almost bring me a small dose of joy.  i know it sounds crazy, but i can find humor in the fact that i smell poop but can't quite place it.  meanwhile, the older two have been talking in a scream at each other for two solid hours over everything.  all while wondering why they can't just get along, begging ...

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I do not know one single successful person who was inconsistent. It. Is. KEY. vital. this rings true for any profession.  any goal-setter.  any dreamer.  i remember asking for all this solid parenting advice when i was pregnant with my first born.  i wanted to be WOW'D!  with that one parenting secret.  i remember carefully selecting the parents.  i only wanted advice from parents who had well-rounded, charming, and well-behaved children.  they must have been doing something right.  so off i went.  with my note pad.  audio recorder.  and an eager game face ready to learn the best kept parenting secret so that i could put all that i was about to learn into practice.  and almost every one of them would simply tell me, "be consistent.", or, "consistency", or even, "no matter what, make sure you are consistent.".  that's all, i thought.  you mean i brought my audio recorder, this fancy note pad, and ...

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