I don’t even know where to start.
Except for October of 2012. Almost 4 years ago.
I received a phone call that made my back catch the wall as it took me to my knees on the way down.
My Father had passed away.
Those tears were the most confusing set of tears I had ever poured out. I wanted to remember the good times. Because when he was sober, he was so undeniably hilarious, giving, life-loving, and wonderful. Just so wonderful.
But I got a total of maybe 30 of those days in my entire lifetime. I was 34-years-old when he passed away…so you can do the math there.
But. Unfortunately, the memories that wouldn’t stop flooding my brain was the actual life that he DID live. I never mourned his death (sorry if that sounds heartless…I’m just being so real!), it was his life that I mourned. The people he hurt. And the generations that are now affected by his abuse.
Oh, I was angry.
Angry that my father tainted and cursed the lives of SO many of my family members (mine included until I broke the CRAP out of that curse–Hallelujah!). Angry that I had ‘daddy issues’ as much as I never wanted to admit it. I was desperate for approval and ate up with rejection.
Angry that my siblings had suffered because they have all been broken down, rejected, and massively abused by this person. Angry over every Christmas and Birthday that passed without a phone call. Angry that I just wasn’t…..ever important.
So much pain came from those tears.
After his funeral in North Carolina, I went back home–was living in Illinois at the time. And the Lord placed a HUGE calling on my life. Never heard anything so clearly. I decided to share MY PART of this whole story. I had an alarming and tragic truth inside of me that I never had freedom to share until then. But more importantly, I had victory and redemption. Complete redemption. And THAT was the part that I was dead set on highlighting.
I began writing my memoir as if nobody was ever going to see it. That way I could connect with my honest and raw truth. I found myself in my bedroom four out of seven nights a week for almost 2 years.
Writing & Crying.
Healing & Writing.
During this time, I got my hands on a book from Joyce Meyer that completely changed EVERYTHING for me. It was called, The Root Of Rejection. And upon finishing that book, I found where the root of my people-pleasing, fear of rejection, fear of not be good enough, smart enough, skinny enough, and whatever-else-you-can-think-of enough.
At this time in my life I strived for nothing but perfection. Because then I would be……enough.
And. That’s the worst uphill battle. Because perfection is obtained by NOBODY. So aiming for it is simply death. Not by way of your heart stopping. But enough to keep you from true progress in life. So to me…it’s the same as death.
After chugging down that book, I began to strive and aim for progress and excellence–not perfection. I began to serve my heart a giant dose of grace every…single…day.
And. The best part…I finally quit caring about the handful of people who didn’t think I was their cup of tea. From that day forward I only went where I was celebrated. Period. And come to find out…there were TONS of people who adored the daylights out of me. Yet I was so sidetracked by the handful that didn’t. I allowed their opinions to pose as truth.
GAH! I’m SO thankful for that God-breathed book. I walked though the most painful truth about myself, and broke the biggest stronghold of my ENTIRE life.
Fast-forward to almost 4 years later and I don’t know of a single soul who doesn’t like me (don’t mistaken me…i’m sure they exist!). But. I only allow those that celebrate me in my circle. The rest of the people I do not have time or space in my healed heart for.
I can’t say enough about the healing that took place in my own heart by simply writing my life story. Writing it helped me focus on just how far The Lord had taken me.
So. In December of 2014 (almost the start of a brand new year!) I FINISHED my book. Getting it all out was painful at times–but mostly healing. Owning my story so that it could no longer own me.
But. Here’s where it gets SOOOOOOO painful. I had NO IDEA what to do next. I began researching the path to publishing this sucker and I was so confused. One site would say do this. Another would disagree with the other information. Then the talk about royalties and how publishing companies can rob you blind. Then the small chance you have to be picked up by a company is so slim. Then….I couldn’t take another night of information-diving on this subject.
I was so confused. I just started crying uncontrollably. I thought writing this sucker was the hard part.
Turns out. No. Getting it published (by the right company) was the hardest.
So. I decided to not pull the trigger on publishing it. I was in no hurry and could work hard on building my following so that I could bless MORE with my truth.
So. I tucked it away and invested in a Marketing program and learned SO much. Not to go into to much detail, but that was painful too. Learning how many steps were still ahead of me to take everything I was doing to the next level felt defeating before even starting. I would say this was the most overwhelmed I’ve ever been.
So. What did I do?
I failed, flopped, failed harder, failed faster the next time, flopped again, and learned SO many hard lessons along the way.
Then. Here’s where it starts to get SO good. Since I decided to sit on my book and not publish it…yet. I decided to write a DEVOTIONAL. Full of all the steps and secrets and moments and truths and mountains of freedoms that I have felt in the past 17 years since re-writing my story.
I wanted people to fuse their faith with fitness so that they too could live out an abundant life. I felt like I had SO MANY secrets to living out a sincerely joyful path. I had overcame depression, anxiety, anorexia, and more strongholds than I can name off.
So I got to work. I decided that this would be what I published FIRST. While still sitting on my story a little longer.
Here’s more painful stuff….
Last summer I spent about 40 hours on the finish of this devotional in one week. I stayed up until 2 am almost every night one week trying to crank this to the finish line. I had alerted my social media that it was coming in August (of 2015!). At the very end of that 40 hour week (where I completed the last 10 days of my devotional).
I panicked. I mean my heart began to beat out of my chest. I started saying “no..no…no no no…God please no. NOOOOO!”.
I called my personal assistant up, “D’ette, please tell me you you see it on google drive on your end? PLEASE!!?? You have to find this for me.”.
It was gone.
I had NOTHING left. When I say I was defeated. I mean it.
I never even told my social media. I just didn’t want to address it. The wounds were still to open and raw.
I just allowed time to heal my spirit. Then, at the beginning of 2016 I found my finish.
It was right after I finished one of the toughest workout programs of my entire life–Body Beast (the exact same program I’m doing right now!).
I’ll spare you all the bouts of disappointment, failures, and road blocks we’ve experienced since I finished. But let’s just say that I have quit in my head more than a dozen times.
I know for a fact that I’ve felt spiritual warfare. Like I was straight up in a UFC championship battle with the devil himself. And I’m NOT kidding.
The enemy does NOT want my story OR my devotional to launch.
He knows that there are many women (and men!) that will find hope for their own story. And that folks will begin to heal and live out God’s best for their life too. He knows that people will start to crave Jesus and health. And He knows that when people add in that combo…endorphins mixed with Jesus…it’s a complete game-changer.
But. Luckily, the bible promises that we are MORE than conquerors. I talk about my failures along the way. But really. I never failed.
Because I never quit getting up.
I never have or never will stop fighting the good fight of faith. Fighting for my former self who deserves redemption too.
I fight for us!!
This 60-Day-Devotional has a scripture, a powerful blurb to back up the Word Of God, and a daily ACTION ITEM so that you can start to apply the changes to your own life. And it ends with a prayer. The best part is I designed it to bless you in super small doses over a long period of time. An easy morning read to get your day geared in the right direction. Repeat that easy morning read for 2 solid months. And I guarantee your outlook on everything will change.
I named this Devotional, The Devo because every single day on my to-do list the very first thing you see is devo followed by workout. I always abbreviate.
So the title stuck: The Devo.
In the back of the book it has foods you should simply NOT eat if you battle with depression and anxiety . As well as foods you SHOULD eat. I believe that food feeds your second brain–which is your gut, and I list out all the right-for-your-brain foods.
It’s also crammed with scriptures to claim for so many different scenarios. The Word was my way out. And I made sure to note my TOP scriptures for times when I just need affirmation after affirmation that the storm I’m in…….WILL pass.
It would mean SO MUCH to me if you went straight to Amazon….like RAN over there….and supported my journey by downloading your very own copy.
Best part???? It’s under 10 bucks!!
Here is the link:
In HIM and Health,