If I’m going to share this to my entire social media, I must start writing as if it were only going to be seen by me. That way I can let go and truly connect with the most vulnerable place inside my heart.
Countless times I’ve heard, “how do you do it all, Christy?”, or “I don’t know how you do it all!”. All that did was feed my inborn drive to keep pressing through and working hard, because other people’s words very much affect me–I feed off other people.
They think I work hard? I’ll work harder.
They think I can get a lot done? I’ll get MORE done.
But thankfully, and by the grace of God, it has finally come to a HAULT.
Even though God has been trying to close this certain door on me for the past three months (any mayyyyyybe even longer), I kept pressing against HIS resistance. I was actually confused. I was confused because I thought that I was supposed to press through the resistance. I mean, isn’t that the road to success?
Never give up…push past your comfort zone…embrace the hard…fall down seven get up eight…blah blah blah.
I was double-minded because I was trying to pursue two entirely separate avenues (Beachbody & Speaking out!). James 1:8 says that a double-minded man is unstable in all his ways.
And that’s exactly where I found myself. Unstable in all my ways. Weary. Tired. And on the verge of giving up on it all.
So I began to pray harder than ever. Big prayers. Tearful, hard, and desperate ones. Prayers that went like this: “Lord, if I’m not where you want me in my life…you have to show me. You HAVE to show me that I’m doing MY WILL over YOURS. Is my heart wrong, Lord? Give me direction and convict my intentions if they aren’t after your will. I’m so confused and need peace.”
I mean, if I’m trying to help folks through sharing my testimony while giving God every single bit of the glory, how can it NOT be His will for my life?
Talk about confusing.
I just didn’t understand why I was feeling this resistance to STOP traveling, and to quit pursuing my testimony. Again, it’s work for the Lord….how can it be wrong?
And thankfully I am in a daily relationship with God or I would have missed his most recent conviction. His conviction pierced through my heart like a sword one morning at 5:30 am as I hit my knees, weeping. I surrendered this season of my life over to HIM.
I did NOT want to.
I FINALLY threw in the towel. Even though I knew he had been trying to tell me this for three months. It just always takes me longer to actually listen and surrender. I am so stubborn and steel-willled. But thank GOD he loves me even still.
He’s telling me to embrace the platform given to me behind my computer screen (booyah! for social media and a beautiful following that I get to share my truth with!).
He has told me loud and clear TO STAY HOME. It’s not time to travel. It’s not time to give that much of myself. He wants me to save that energy and that passion for raising my babies. He wants me to be the best darn wife I can possibly be. And He wants me to use anything that is left to help heal the health and wellness of others through becoming their health, faith, and fitness coach (from the comfort of my own home and on MY time).
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done was contact the bookings I had coming up and cancel them. But I want nothing more than to walk in obedience.
I’ve truly embraced this little at-home Beachbody business in the last few months. And I mean I’ve went ALL IN. I’ve realized that I have this amazing opportunity to help MORE folks grab back their life than I could ever do behind that microphone and on that stage. I can reach the masses thanks to social media (all from HOME–where God is calling me to stay!).
I have recently given myself permission to raise up and mentor other passionate people so that TOGETHER we can help more folks grab back their life. Man! I had to get out of my own way or none of this was ever going to happen. I had some negative self-doubts and truly felt inadequate. I felt inadequate because I was “doing it all” and not doing it all well.
I am laser focused on my little at-home ministry like never before. God. Family. Then business. And my team is BLOWING UP because of this shifting in my mind-set.
I belong at home. I belong at the baseball fields on the weekends, not traveling to the next city to speak on Sunday. I belong at my home church on SONdays–soaking up enough word to restore my spirit for another week at this whole raising a family thing.
I do NOT want to do this job that the Lord has trusted me with, half-hearted. And I now know that I was headed down the path where my speaking ministry was going to take precedence over my family.
This was not intentionally, but God was doing the math for me.
I am SO glad I know who goes before me. Because when I am truly following after His will, I feel His presence dropped there. But when I go ahead of Him, I am anything but at peace.
While yes, I desire greatly to share my testimony, I am hearing the Lord tell me that there will be a day for my other gifts and talents to serve Him. But for now…He needs me to be home.
THEY need me. All of me.
They are how I’m re-writing my story in the first place. I’m pouring my best into them. I was about to pour my leftovers into those who matter to me the most. But The Lord didn’t allow that to happen.
Thank you God for always protecting me from my own will. I am such a mess without you.
Here’s to not waiting so long to listen to God next time.
In HIM and health,