i find so much freedom in writing. with a candle flickering, praise music on, hot tea steaming, and talking about….life.
tonight i plan on over-sharing. because i want to unveil my honest heart and the heaviness it has been under. tonight, i come to my blank blog page humble. soaking with vulnerability.
i come to my blog tonight…………brave. brave about what i have been fighting.
this week was so overwhelming and i had so many doubts about the path i’m on. i had moments where i was desperate for more time. i had moments where i felt so tired (both mentally and physically) that i thought i was going to suffocate. i couldn’t get to my laundry. i couldn’t return every message in my inbox. i couldn’t do so many things due to…..time.
also, i felt so imbalanced with some decisions i had recently made. uncertainty was thick in my spirit.
i didn’t like it.
i felt like crying. so i did. a lot.
i couldn’t place my hand on why i felt so overwhelmed. was it my coaching business? my children? or the lack of time i have to pour into some of the marketing and programs i’m working on with launching my book this summer?
i went to two people. Jesus first. and my husband. i used to run tell everyone my problems. would open up to many, inviting more opinions and zero clarity. i don’t do that anymore. now i take it to the cross and to my soulmate.
my husband is my rock. nobody loves me the way he does. he will remove anything in my way. and he will help me figure things out. he is smart, and always has my best interest at heart. i trust him with my rawest emotions and never have to hold back. he knows the worst and ugliest side of me and still somehow makes me feel like i am unflawed. gah! i love my husband.
two weeks ago i made a decision (or so i thought!) to put my girls in school full time. i just had so much work (pertaining to the marketing and launching of my book!) that i was unable to get to. i am given 3 hours a day to work. one of them is one hour before everyone wakes up, and the other two is nap time. some nights i stay up after they go to bed and work, but most nights i shut everything down and rest. so i thought i needed to ‘get rid of the girls’ during the day so that i could pour into my dreams.
yes. this was where my head was. it sounded like a great plan. i could get everything done and then pour into my family at night. they were already in school half days on tuesdays and wednesdays but i needed more time to work. and the work i needed to do was work i actually didn’t want to do (boring office type stuff) but it was necessary in order to launch some of these new systems that i’m working (or trying to work) on.
so clearly putting the girls in school sounded like the perfect plan. again, here was the plan: put them in school full time so that i could do work–work that i don’t enjoy, by the way–just to launch my dreams.
and it hit me like a ton of bricks this week. i hadn’t made the decision final as far as telling their school. i had just decided it in my head.
it never really sat well with me. i never made this decision final in my heart. and i never once took this decision to God. I just made it. on a whim. because i needed T I M E. i was so desperate for time.
the pressure i was under this week was so intense and i couldn’t place it. the pressure never started until i made my poorly prayed over decision to put my girls in school full time. why didn’t i feel this peace that i usually have? i was hunting for it vigorously. my pay check was the largest i had ever had (i should be on cloud nine, i thought.), i was hitting my goals, my challengers were losing inches and gaining their confidence. i was eating right, killing my workouts, and giving my children and husband plenty of quality time. also, i was sleeping well.
why on earth do i feel so shaken to my core?
after praying and seeking HIS will, daily. i finally heard from the Lord. HE always shows up with conviction that serves to protect me rather than condemn me.
HE showed me my heart. there it was. wide open. and i found my children there.
not my business. my children are my dreams. they are my number one calling in this one blessed life. and i only have them without sharing until they run off to kindergarden. and i am not going to be sharing them every day of the week. i just am not okay with that.
i gave up a successful real estate career the moment i laid eyes on my first born because of my calling as a mother. real estate ate my days and nights up. i felt like a slave to my phone. i was young and didn’t know how to balance it all. i am not about to lose sight of what is most important to me this far into the parenting game.
i will still chase my dreams and answer to the other call in my life–which is my coaching business and launching my story–but those dreams are not my main goal in life. my main goal in life is to raise wonderful children. children whose story will look much different than my childhood story. i am called to erase the generational curse over my family. it stopped with me. and not a day passes where i don’t find myself eternally thankful for a chance to experience life through their eyes. it’s the best feeling in the world. i am so glad that the Lord trusted me with three of HIS children.
don’t get me wrong, i don’t think that if your children are in child care that you are choosing work over them. i see nothing wrong with child care. but for me, personally, i took my opportunity as a mother as a chance to re-do my childhood. i wanted to give them ME. i wanted to be their first teacher and the one making daily deposits in their memory banks. i wanted to push them on the swings until my arms felt like falling off. i wanted to scoot chairs to the countertops so that i can have messy helpers in the kitchen. i wanted to go on play dates, story time at the library, and i wanted to experience a nerve-wracking grocery store experience. i wanted this season so desperately and i don’t get to have these little years for long. they are fleeting and it chokes me up to think about how fast they are flying by.
i want to hog their first five years. my heart just wasn’t going to settle for them going to school full time.
God uses my children to speak to me often. HE used kindergarden registration day to show me why my heart was so unsettled. i was about to do something that did NOT fulfill my calling. i was going to trade something that brings me new breath and new meaning every day, to do something that i could hire someone else to do.
did you catch that? umm, hello. i’ve been saying this whole time that in order to launch my book and market it in the right way, i was going to have to do the boring stuff. what? no i am not. i am hiring a team. yes, two assistants. they will be working together. at the same time. and they will do all the things that steal my joy. they are qualified and skilled at this kind of stuff. i am qualified and skilled at:
mothering, inspiring, and creating.
and that is exactly what i will continue to do.
thank you, Jesus, for breaking these chains this week. i felt so bound up.
whew! now i will continue to embrace my momhood. while i hire folks to do things that i am not good at–which is boring office and marketing stuff. well, boring for me. it’s definitely made for others.
i am so thankful for a relationship with HIM or i wouldn’t have emptied out my heart and found that i was about to make the biggest mistake.
I am not ready to let these girls go off to school every day just yet.
i still have some cheerleading moves to teach them.
no way am i trading in our morning tea parties for boring business work.
i am certainly called to share just what Jesus did for a wretch like me. I know I’m called to deliver my story to the masses. I know this without a doubt.
In HIM and health,