I am not really sure why this topic will NOT leave my mind, heart, or fingers as i sit down to write tonight, but it’s here and i will welcome it over a flickering candle giving me just the perfect enough light to type, along with the perfect volume on my praise music as it puts me in that writing mood.

you see, it’s about self confidence, self worth, and self approval.  it’s heavy on my heart because i believe it’s the one single thing holding people back from their fullest potential.  and this time last year i was stuck in a rut.  although i was living life with joy and happiness, i was robbed of peace in this one little area.

no matter how many thousands of people who agreed and believed in me, i always focused on that one person who didn’t understand or agree with me.  for some reason, i would magnify their approval of me over all the others.  and i do not do that anymore.  i refuse to ever do that again, as a matter of fact.

i live a bit different than most.  and i am starting to understand and actually accept that i was designed to live this way.  i don’t want to be the normal girl.  never really have.  even in high school i was the class clown willing to do just about anything for a laugh.  and i am still that girl.  i love to make others laugh.  i kind of live for it.  it’s my favorite, actually.  when i leave a room and others are still laughing at my joke, i know i just spread a little joy.  and that just flat out rocks socks!!

and for years, i desired to be that girl who was just so quiet and such a good listener.  i wanted to know what it was like to be her.  they always came across as the good girls who never have any enemies.  everyone always seemed to love them and think they were such angels.  and i wanted to be viewed as sweet and quiet instead of loud and crazy.

but then last year happened.  

last year, 2013, will go down in history for me.  it was the year that i truly believe God spoke to me, boldly, about what he wanted for my life.  i heard his approval over my life.  i heard his opinions about me louder than ever.  but before i was able to listen, he had to have me walk through some series of events that hurt me immensely.

yet i would end up in complete deliverance.  i truly believe that the Lord continues to let us arrive at the same place, over and over again, until we finally learn what it was trying to teach us.

yes, deliverance.  deliverance to me can be defined as being set free.  and i believe that happened to me last year.  and i know it was the Lord because i’ve been walking in God’s favor over my life every since i felt him free me of that one thing that has held me back.  acceptance and approval of others.  yep, don’t need it anymore.  and that’s freaking awesome.

and i believe he was teaching me to surround myself with those who accept, appreciate, agree, and support me.  you will never be who you are destined to become if you spend your energy convincing folks that their opinion of you is wrong.  instead, go put yourself smack-dab in the middle of folks who believe you are freaking awesome.

the other path is wasted time.  trust me.  move on.  and please, move on quicker than i did.  there are many people who are in your corner needing your support.  find those people.  don’t waste your energy on folks who don’t appreciate you.  please don’t.  please.

so there!!  that was my area of weakness in self confidence last year.  but now i’m delivered completely from that and it feels amazing.  i needed it.  i feel like i deserved it.  all i’ve ever wanted was to display a life of joy, love, hope, peace, kindness, and health out to this world.  and when it gets misjudged as conceited, vein, full of myself, and big-headed, i just remind myself that they are the ones dealing with their own self doubt.

because i remember how it felt to be this girl, at age 20:

she was sad:

and no.  not because she was heavy.  she was sad because she was sad.  period.  there was emptiness in her heart.  she was confused.  effected.  and completely broken.

but she found her joy.  and she is ME.

not only have i found my joy, i’ve found my confidence.  i like feeling good about myself on the outside. is it more important than how i feel about who i am on the inside?  heck no!!!

but hey, i like who she is too.

when it comes to self image and having children, i feel strongly on never allowing them to hear you criticize yourself.  my children have never heard me mention that my butt is too big, or that i hate my crows feet when i smile.

they will never know i have a crooked nose.  nope.  never.  not unless they notice for themselves.

it’s our job as parents to instill a sense of self worth, self confidence, and self belonging in our children.  i hope my kids accept their differences a lot quicker than i did.  and i hope more than anything that their footprints on this earth actually make a difference.

last week of nursing.  sadness fills my heart as i post this intimate picture.

creating a book during his free time:

we never act like our girls are prettier with all that make up and fro-fro on.  we magnify their beauty and awesomeness on a constant basis.  as it should be.  i pray our girls know they are beautifully and wonderfully made like the bible says…not like the world says.

and definitely not because they are dolled up.

i’m not apposed to make up, trendy clothes, and new hair styles.  matter of fact, i’m a huge fan:

but i don’t feel complete unless i feel beautiful within.  i want to be a good human.  that is what really matters.

i wish to stand before the Lord one day, saying, “i have nothing left to give.  i gave all you asked!!”.

that would be the ultimate way to face him!!

much love,

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