can i please just be raw, vulnerable, and honest in this post tonight?
i’m writing with heaviness deep in my heart. if your heart is heavy, i’m sharing this for you. but i’m writing this post for my own heart tonight.
june 23rd was a sunday. i sat through a powerful message at church. one that challenged me to my very core. i wrote a note on my iphone note pad. the pastor basically said this:
“find your weakness and work on it until it becomes a strength.”
and by gosh, i took it seriously.
i immediately put my one weakness down. i stress that one humorously because i ended up with much more than one weakness.
now listen, nobody can go into self-help mode quicker than i can. and that might sound hyper-active and absurd, but i am so happy that i’m that girl. because there is power in working on yourself. i want all the good that this life has for my five member family. i’m always trying to better myself. and the only way to truly do that is to acknowledge your weaknesses.
so there. i’m weak. but in those weaknesses, i’m forced to rely on God’s monumental strength. and i mean solely rely on HIM.
it all started with my weakness being that i’m an organized-mess. i lose focus, i am forgetful, i don’t write things down, and i’m so busy having fun and being free-spirited that i can lack in the responsible area. and it has caught up to me, i’m not ashamed to admit.
so i am facing this. i am turning this into a strength. and the reason i can say that with such confidence is because i always conquer things i face. because i’m a fighter. a fighter who does not give up. so, whaddup responsibilities, i’m about to show you who’s boss.
it’s funny because when it comes to being a mother, i am very scheduled, organized, and consistent. and i pour the absolute best of me into those three. they do not get my leftovers. no way am i saying that i don’t have room for improvement as a mama, because i do. but i’m way to focused on the impact my role as a mother has on those three to let that part of my life get off track. but when i do get a off track (hello, human being), i immediately notice it and pull it together. instantly.
i made a decision to delete my social media apps from my iphone. i will only update my facebook and instagram when i blog or for my aerobics classes. i’m not sure how long i will be doing this, but i desperately need to get a good rhythm of my free time going before i put that awesome little joy back into my life.
i want to devote nap time on mondays to planning out the husband and i’s date night-something unpredictable and fun, as well as planning out an equally extraordinary family night each week. not that it has to always be some big production, but a little thought behind the night will go a long way, even if it’s just pizza in our pj’s.
i want to utilize my free time to work on my weaknesses, until they become strengths. and then i’ll put social media back in when i am mature enough to handle it, haha. and i’ve been on a purging-spree lately.
i’m taking a very aggressive approach in the area of our finances. getting crazy organized over here. we’re talking vanilla folders, filing cabinets, the whole bit. no more organized-messes. i’ll never reach my dreams this way.
i’m giving my time to areas that have fallen by the wayside. like my car…it’s clean now. bam.
my homeschooling and craft closet took quite a hit this year. it’s clean now too. boom.
and my billing system is getting it’s organize on these days.
oh and doing little things around the house that make me happy, like changing out the wall art in the kids’ room. from shapes to the word ‘love’.
mama ain’t playin’.
i’ve got some extremely high dreams of building this blog, writing my book, and living out my one blessed life as an inspiration and hopefully a positive example of a Christian. i want to help people experience life in the fullest way possible. and i am confident that i have what i takes, but not unless i tackle a few of these areas that are holding me back.
just last month i began to feel that it was impossible to achieve those said dreams. i felt like i was failing. there just wasn’t enough time in the day to do it all.
oh but there is. and i’m working on figuring that out. because i just know that i must write this book about my broken childhood. if not for some other girl who needs a little help creating a different future than what she had been shown, then for myself.
because when i write, i purge. and it feels good. and it’s easier to swallow some of my past knowing that it might be the exact ticket for someone who might not know how to dig out of their circumstances. i will gladly show them an amazing future.
today i sat in my car, in the wal-mart parking lot while tears flowed aimlessly from my eyes. and as i sat there, i began to let go of some pain that i believe i’ve needed to face. about two months after we moved to illinois, my daddy passed away.
sure, i mourned his death, but not near as much as i have mourned his life. just simply wishing it could have been different. i have some very sweet memories of my dad, and i’m pretty good at trying to focus mostly on those. but most of my memories are heart breaking and dark.
i fight these kind of thoughts daily:
*he did love me. didn’t he?
*no, he definitely did. i know he did.
*why wouldn’t he call me?
*i should have called him.
*why did he hurt so many people?
*i can’t imagine the guilt that suffocated him on a constant basis?
*i know he drank because he was so ridden with guilt. never was he able to forgive himself for the pain he caused. and i hate this reality for him.
*i wish he knew that he had my love even still.
*i wonder what life would have been like if he never drank.
these are just thoughts and questions that don’t really have an answer. and sometimes i want an answer, damn it.
i do know that i was deserving of my daddy’s love, but that he was just to sick to give it. and i find peace in the forgiveness i gave him.
Psalms 139:14 has given me confidence to own who i am, simply stating that, “praise you because i am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, i know that full well.”
so i believe God’s word, wholeheartedly.
and you know what else i believe? that there is no shame in my past. if anything, it would be shameful to conceal these wounds.
i must be a light in this dark world. so i’m daily going to try and do my part.
pause button please!
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