after getting that horrific phone call that my dad had passed away, i made some super quick arrangements and necessary decisions.  i knew i was going to need the husband since he is my rock.  and i knew that it wasn’t going to be the best situation for having three children needing something at all times while trying to orchestrate a beautiful celebration of life service.  i also knew that there was going to be a heaviness that was unstoppable.  a heaviness that, quite frankly, i didn’t want my children to feel.  a heaviness that i am certain they will never feel.  ever!

so i left my babies behind, except mary-she’s to teensie to part with.  it was hard (like, really really hard) but they were in the best-of-the-best of hands.

last week was just tough.  my heart broke in several different directions, on so many levels.  darkness and sadness filled up my days.  past hurts were resurfaced.  things that i’ve overcame were thrown back in my face. 

as if that wasn’t enough, i was faced with this little thing that i have for other people, and especially my siblings, which is empathy.  i have this annoying ability to feel someone elses pain even though i’m not the one experiencing the hurt.  truth is, my family is wounded and it hurts me to my very core.  it hurts worse than anything in this world to see the sadness draped across their faces. sadness that i know can be erased.

it hurts me because i’m a fixer.  a peacemaker.  a joy seeker.  a problem solver.  and ultimately, i’m an over-comer.  i feel like i have a very fancy key that unlocks a beautiful and joyful life.  a key that is easily obtainable.  i desperately and tearfully want my siblings to obtain it.  to be drenched in a peace that surpasses their past.  a joy that dwells deep in their soul. 

this past week has been tough, yes, but i still came out thankful.  i’m thankful for the fire that stays kindled under me, the determination to be a good wife, the drive and passion i possess in motherhood, and the fierceness behind my undeniable joy.  i’m thankful for these things because i truly believe that my past is why they burn in me.  my past is what pushes me to rise above. 

by no means do i have it all figured out, but i know that i own this one thing–to overcome, on purpose…with purpose.  and i just can’t leave it to myself anymore.  i want to inspire and encourage others.  i want to share this fancy key with whomever might need it.  i know brokenness, i’ve been there.  however, i’m not there anymore.  i’m so not there anymore. 

i’m seriously left no other choice. i’m writing a book. that’s right, i’m writing a frickin’ book.

it’s going to be the rawest form of real and vulnerable that i can possibly pour my soul into. because i believe that my personal journey can transform broken, wounded, and tired spirits; into peaceful, joyful, life lovers. with cute shoes. okay, maybe not the shoes part.

and you better buy it.

happy halloween from our house to yours.

pause button please!


1 Comment

  • ladygolfer215


    I am so proud of you! You have grown into a remarkable young woman. I will definitely buy your book. By the way, you couldn't see it but you WERE the apple of your daddy's eye. I remember well, his sober days. YOU put fire in his eyes. I know that he is in heaven and I know that he looks upon you with great pride. You are one of the most awesome mom's I know. I'm sorry i missed your Dad's funeral. i had planned to attend but with the weather I had to beat it to Atlanta. Much love and prayers your way sister! Go for it!

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