i'm really trying to process how to write this particular post.  i've been starring at a blank screen with my thoughts flooding faster than i can type.  i promised i wasn't going to write about this because of various reasons.  but, i have to.  as in, if i don't...i might explode. i am going to intimately expose a very sacred place of my heart.  a place that only my children are able to enter.  it's the mightiest place inside of me that carries strength of a lion.  and it was birthed through the burden i carried for my son when he turned two-years-old, and maybe even a little before then. as a first time mom, you are told not to compare.  that each child develops at their own pace, and things of that nature.  and i tried.  i tried like hell not to compare.  but when he was two-years-old, and not ...

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if you saw the nightstand on my side of the bed every morning, you would know beyond the shadow of a doubt that i am a pregnant lady.  picture this:  bottle of water,  empty edamame pods, a bowl of leftover popcorn kernels, and an economy size bottle of tums.  before i sat down to write, i tidied that area up so it was the freshest thing on my mind.  so i shared it.  it hasn't got a thing to do with this post.  hello, ADHD. i got my bangs trimmed on friday.  it only takes five minutes...so i never opt for a sitter for this adventure.  however, i do choose to do this during those three hours that nathan is in school.  that way, i only have one little to wrangle.  she sits on my lap while flipping through all the pictures on my phone.  she loves to review our latest outings.  and ...

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after my last post, where i was having a difficult start to my week...i logged off the computer right as lucy was waking from her nap.  i took a look at the house, and it fit my mood.  it was unorganized, messy, and just blah.  i knew i needed to tidy up because i operate better when i'm organized, and my house is clean.  but instead, i turned to being a girly-girl to lift my spirits.  i could tidy up later. i went from t-shirt and sweats--to leopard print dress and head-wrap in about three minutes flat.  talk about lifted spirts.  you throw on a little bronzer and mascara...you might as well take me to the prom.  now that i was all fancy, i needed somewhere to go.  anywhere but here. we loaded up and went to walmart.  i needed stuff.  like dark chocolate, glitter paint, and a new sports bra...and ...

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honestly, i've had one of those weeks.  one of those weeks that i'm grateful to be a woman of prayer and faith.  because i have uttered more prayers for patience and strength than ever before.  i'm not sure why these days seem to run together without letting up sometimes.  those days where you hear whining even though nobody is whining.  it's really just your ears ringing to the tune of your child's whine since it has been programmed to that sound all day. i love that sound and i'm thinking about setting my ring tone to it.  SIKE!! i'm a huge fan of talking softly to my children.  i don't want to bark my commands at them.  i strongly desire to direct them in a loving manner-even in the midst of pure havoc (not that i'm always successful).  that is why i've prayed more this week than usual.  i've wanted to ...

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although sacrificing yourself is a beautiful and necessary part of motherhood, it truly shouldn't define you. caring for yourself is smart, not selfish.  having time away from your children is necessary, and guilt shouldn't be a thought.  pursuing interests is exciting, not a waste of time.  enjoying friends is healthy, not frivolous.  and please note that the not feeling guilty part has taken me plenty of years to overcome. that wasn't a speech meant for anyone but myself.  because i have to remember this all the time. i enjoy a nice, long run without my kids.  or, an evening out to dinner with my girlfriends.  i have my own dreams and aspirations...gasp-that do not include little people.  i could have never said that last sentence a few years ago...i would have thought that it meant that i didn't enjoy being a mother since i thought of myself and needed a break every now ...

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if you are a child of mine...making holiday themed banners isn't optional. neither is eating holiday themed goodies.   and since i feel like i do my part in expressing to those two darlings what it means to love, i am certain of two things: 1.  nathan gets it.  so much so, that he grabbed me by the cheeks on valentines day and said "i love you, mommy".  then--here is my favorite part, he clinches his fists and grits his teeth so tightly while he expresses that "it's just awwwwesome how much i love you."  and when that last part came out with the passion of gritted teeth and clinched fists....i die.   he made me feel like he loved me so much that he couldn't hardly stand it.  and boy do we ever speak the same language.  clinched fists, gritted teeth, and all.   2.  lucy doesn't get it.  or does she?  sister makes ...

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it's official. crafting, creating, and planning birthday parties for my littles has moved up in ranking.  that's right...i love to create and dream up these special events more than i love to run. and if only you knew how much i truly enjoy my serene outdoor runs...could you begin to understand exactly what this means. i spent bits and pieces of january making little signs and gathering up ideas for this special day.  i cut out little pieces of fabric i had laying around the garage for my girls very country-inspired banner. i would go out to the backyard and stare at all the space and calculate where each activity would go.  i would smile as i pictured all of nathan and lucy's friends gathered around in our lawn.  i could even hear the squeals. this is most certainly the only area in my life that i don't suffer from severe and extreme procrastination. ...

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after my mom left, i woke up the next day and was just not quite ready to get back to reality.  i love my reality, but those three days flew by way to fast.  i just wanted one more day that i could sit around the breakfast table, sip our hot coffee, and just hang.  just one more day...that's all.  since she was gone, i woke with groggy gloom lurking over my head.  i was saaaaaaaad.  i logged onto my most favorite blog, with high hopes that this sweet momma would have a new post. SHE DID!! and it was just the right fuel i needed to whip me back into shape, and out of my mother blues, literally.  seeing all the little adventures she had been up to with her little people had me ready to get back into our groove.  the groove that doesn't include my mother.  the groove ...

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i have every right to go where i'm about to go. when i am in a frazzled state of being, and my two-year-old is kicking my pregnant belly while she is slung on my hip...all because i just told her that she can't get into the wishing fountain, and clearly, throwing pennies wasn't quite good enough for her.  meanwhile, my four-year-old is asking, "can we play with the toys?" over, and over, and over, and over again.  very loudly.  in that moment, i will most likely be wearing a very fake smile on the outside, just to ensure that onlookers think that i've got things under control (because, i care what others think way to freaking much).  when in reality, i am punching and kicking inside...just like lucy. this is the part where a very wise observer catches on to the fact that, GOD FORBID...i am going to be adding another one to ...

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maybe i should wait to write this post when i'm less emotional.  but, blogging makes me happy so i'm going to keep writing.  it's never easy when i have to say goodbye to my mother.  it's just not.  this time around seemed like the hardest goodbye to-date.  maybe it's because nathan cried while saying "i'm going to miss you, nana".  or maybe it was because lucy remembered her for the first time and was very attached to her.  or maybe it's the pregnancy hormones.  whatever the reason...i wish she lived closer.  period. i called the husband crying and said, "i really hope you don't have to work late today...i am really tore up over mom leaving.", then i said "i'm sure it's the hormones?!", and he came back with a "no babe...you always have a hard time when she leaves.  i'm sorry, and i am actually on my way home from ...

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